Journal Entry 5/3/18 – Entry #48

Peace after pain.

A long night of traveling followed by an emotional visit to the funeral home and it was finally time to rest. Although it was 2am and I was exhausted I couldn’t quiet my thoughts. My mind was running as it does in the beginning of every meditation while trying to find the space of no mind. Mama is no longer with us and the memories and impact that she had on so many are racing through my head like a movie on fast forward. I am sad and my heart is heavy.

My grandmother was the matriarch of the family. She unified our family even though at times we are divided due to colliding personalities and mostly petty bullshit. Today, once again mama has united the family together.

The more I learn about embracing my pain the more it makes me aware of the pain of others. My grandmother suffered through this last chapter of her very fulfilling life. The clearer I get the more I feel connected to those around me and their truth. While I did not get the opportunity to spend time with my grandmother on her last days I feel very connected to her energy especially as I am next to her physical body right now. I can feel the peace and power radiating around her casket. I can’t imagine the strength and pain she experienced leaving her 3 youngest children behind in the Dominican Republic for years while seeking a brighter future for all of us with her two oldest. Those years were more painful than she ever shared with anyone amongst the living.

Why would God allow my grandmother to suffer like this? She brought so much beauty in to this world through her sacrifices…Why would the last chapter of her life be so painful?

I understood this for the first time when I saw my grandmother resting peacefully last night. The pain she went through was her choice. She felt obligated to always protect her loved ones. This last chapter was about her embracing and feeling the pain that she suppressed for so many years. Through the agony of laying lifeless for the last few years, she finally achieved a place of purity which prepared her soul for her God. She is cleansed of the pain and finally at peace.

I am deeply grateful for the strength and power demonstrated by the woman who carried this family through the trenches of hell on her back. You are forgiven for the choices you had to make and I know that you are now finally resting in peace.

Te quiero mi hermosa mamá con todo mi corazón y te quiero dar las gracias por todo el sacrificio que hiciste para darnos la vida y oportunidades que tenemos.

Descansa nuestra reina te puedes ir en pas.