Journal Entry 5/3/18 – Entry #47

I want to have a drink right now…

I found out a few hours ago that my grandmother passed away and the thought of having a drink keeps popping in my head. My mother is understandably a mess and seeing her like that crushes me. I want to be strong for her but my perception of strong has shifted. In the past strong was drinking and/or finding other ways to sedate my pain so I could focus on the pain of others. I understand where the desire is coming from and I keep going back and forth as to whether or not it would serve me right now.

My family’s MO is to celebrate the life of our loved ones that have passed away with drinking and sharing stories about the life of the deceased. Now I am anticipating what this experience will be like without partaking in the drinking when everyone else will be. Can I celebrate her life without drinking? My celebration will have to be different than the rest of my family, but different isn’t necessarily bad right? I don’t really want to feel this pain right now. I don’t want to be present to everyone else’s pain.

I have been pretty clear and not desiring alcohol with this intensity for the last 37 days, but today is different.

The desire to sedate my pain and be “strong” for my family is the story that drove me to drink in the past. I am clear and conflicted all at the same time.

In this moment I have decided to stick to the frame that has been serving me for the last 37 days which is that I am more powerful without alcohol.