Legacy is built through memories. Legacy is the impact that we make on each other in the memories built in the moment. A lesson that I am taking from my grandmother is you don’t have to have a lot to give a lot. Knowing the humble beginnings that she came from I was overwhelmed with emotion by the way her soul was being honored with the beautiful words of so many.
Yesterday started the same as almost every day has for the last 90 days. The purpose for my morning routine had never been clearer. The shift from victim to creator yesterday gave me the presence to hold space for my mother, my family and myself through all of the pain and celebration of my grandmothers passing.
A long night of traveling followed by an emotional visit to the funeral home and it was finally time to rest. Although it was 2am and I was exhausted I couldn’t quiet my thoughts. My mind was running as it does in the beginning of every meditation while trying to find the space of no mind. Mama is no longer with us and the memories and impact that she had on so many are racing through my head like a movie on fast forward. I am sad and my heart is heavy.
I found out a few hours ago that my grandmother passed away and the thought of having a drink keeps popping in my head. My mother is understandably a mess and seeing her like that crushes me. I want to be strong for her but my perception of strong has shifted. In the past strong was drinking and/or finding other ways to sedate my pain so I could focus on the pain of others. I understand where the desire is coming from and I keep going back and forth as to whether or not it would serve me right now.